Help

 Everyone tells you not to help a hatching bird out of its shell.

Last night I disobeyed the cautionary instructions and helped my struggling duckling 

. It had been 12 hrs with the same small hole. He was alive and chirping inside. The shell was hard and starting to dry out. I could see that he was going to die if I went to bed without acting. So contrary to all the analogies of struggling building strength and resiliency, I cracked and pulled off the shell and membrane from this little duck. And guess what, he’s alive and well. He would have died had I left him. 

So it’s not true- you won’t kill a hatchling by helping him out. 

Right now I’m indignant with God. I think we’ve been duped. How could he not help us out. How can He watch us struggle when it would be so easy to break that shell? It won’t kill us. It will make us feel loved, we might just survive. Because at this moment I think I’m too weak from the struggle to go on. I might just succumb to the shell as a tomb. 

I’m not suicidal. Just tired. So f*ing tired of this struggle. 

Faith

 "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour"

When I was single singing this song, I never thought it would mean this. I imagined traveling to various third world remote jungles caring for the weak and poor of the world. I imagined living in a hut in Africa not knowing where our next meal would come from. I pictured miracles of provision, access and healing. Honestly, from what I've experienced now I don't think those things take as much faith. You may disagree with me depending on what life you've lived. But serving the poor and spiritually oppressed in Haiti was way easy compared to this. Having four people calling your name with various needs on a mission compound, being tired from walking the streets tending to wounds and sicknesses and coming back so tired you don't have energy to take off your sandals before crashing onto a thin sleeping bag laid on concrete was still essentially external to my spirit and my soul. It was like Job losing his house and cattle. He still trusted God easily. 

But when God allowed the devil to attack his physical body, when his closest friends and his wife- the person who shares a bed, children, and covenant with him who should have supported him through it all- turned against him.. that is when he faltered. That's when his faith in God's good plan shook. That's when he questioned what he had done to deserve this, he questioned God's will. 

I never though that "trust without borders" could mean trust that I can be alive, content, and ok... even when I'm in the very same room with a spouse  who detaches, blame-shifts, and resorts to addictions vs sharing his burden with his wife and his God; who seems to have a purpose of keeping you from over-confidence, who knows just what to say to bring your wisp of motivation and delight crashing back to the ground. Someone who you feel at best doesn't like you and at worst attests that you are the very source of all problems. There may be moments, glimmers of hope, of insight or real communication. But then something shifts and its back to being married to a nothing. A robot. 

Sometimes faith is just being ok.   In the middle of this. I'm ok. 

Not cold. Not self-protective walls. Not anger or throwing mud back in his face. Not crying every moment a touching song comes on or every Sunday worship when you have a moment without your curious children's watching eyes. 

I never thought faith and trust would be this hard.

Being OK - can be faith.

Waiting

 Is it possible in life to be truly alive, fully free, having stellar self-worth and value, having all your needs met so you can give out to the world your best self --- when the people most dearly loved and close to you continually reject you, or leave you.

I have patient's who have patient's who have an abusive spouse, who lost their only child, who's own mother disowns them, who's spouse treats them like a roommate for 30 years of marriage... can they too become fully actualized? do you need the love of others to feel completely and utterly lovable and desirable? Or can you get this yourself, from yourself or from God. Can you really truly ever be there when they reject you one more time, when you live with them and they don't see, know, your hear your soul, your heart, your spirit?

Are these people going to be waiting around for the rest of their life for their loved ones to wake up, to work on their sh*& and deal with their past and learn how to have reflective listening, pursue their spouse, have compassion on another person's suffering without feeling triggered into fear, or just love deeply and vulnerably?

I would like to think so. But i'm really not so sure. 

Birthday

You know that ray of sunshine when all seems *good* in life, for just. one. moment. When you're kids are laughing and learning to work together to decorate a home-made Minecraft cake, when you're able to laugh about the lopsided mess instead of nag at them for being normal, sticky, sloppy kids. When the loud boundary-less 2nd grade friends arrive and you feel a solidarity of the matriarch of this home that it's taken you so long to grow into. 

When you choose the loyal action even when it's shakingly hard.

When he arrives home and you start to feel that familiar tense knot grow again - is he upset that they were playing in his shop.... he thinks this party is going too long... he thinks I caused unnecessary work for myself... he probably dislikes the gluten-free pizza and carrot cake that my son chose and made and won't react to...he hates these birthday streamers in his way.... 

BUT

This time you breathe, you release, you let go of someone in their own mess, their own hinderances to freedom and joy. You embrace the truth that his peace and joy is not your fault or your responsibility. You are a separate person. 

Not sure how two become one  equals two individual whole healthy people in a non-co-dependent marital covenant works together. But somehow, it must. 

Disney

 It's just so much harder than I thought: mothering, wife-ing, running a home, working part-time investigating researching and treatment women to help them feel alive and their best, all while suffering from chronic issues that all my education and experience cannot fix, that God has not fixed, and that doctors want to slap prescriptions on. 

There's another in the Fire.... There's a grace when our heart is under fire. 

I know, it just doesn't feel like it most days. 

Their arguing, whining, fighting, anger directed at me, their mother, their birth origin. It's amazing how a human can come out of your body and then turn around and lash out at the very one who gave it life. I did not know how much that would hurt, even when their little 5 yr old ballet-slipper stomping feet are cute- the anger still mounts a loss, a defense, a feeling of failure - even though you know they a fickle and childish. The angry eyes still hurt. Why does it hurt so much?!? 

I remember the firs time I felt God let me down. Something I had prayed for my entire life, something I had kept sincere and unwavering. When that life long prayer was found to have fallen on deaf ears - or even ears that knew what was better for me, but still not given the answer I asked for for years - the pain, oh the pain. I think that was the moment that a wedge was initiated between me and God. Then with each loss, each unanswered prayer, each silent heaven, the hammer blow hit harder and the wedge grew deeper. 

Two whole people becoming one should equal a unified tri-une marriage. Eating right and exercising should result in a healthy body, a healthy birth. But no, that's not how the world works. And so I teach my kids, 'Life's not fair'. I don't want them to grow with the disillusionment that I had. 

She says, "on this side of heaven we will have unfulfilled needs and desires." 

I disagree. The kingdom of heaven is at hand, it's in you, it's come to earth. I believe we CAN feel completely whole, that our desire for deep connection, encompassing love, feeling that everything you've dedicated your life to HAS a purpose. I don't even know how I can still believe this, but I do. And thus lies the tension, the yearning, the seeking.

Every Disney movie has a young girl longing for something more, outside the small town, beyond the shoreline, outside the castle walls. I feel like that girl, I always have. But somehow I thought I'd find that answer in marriage. I didn't even long for kids- just the man. The one who would envelope me with an equal search for me - followed by an adventure of a lifetime, that was life itself. But always together, facing the world. When attacked or failed, together we would draw closer. The painful times would bring us more intimate, not apart. 

Where did I go wrong? 

Sugar

 Am I the only parent who despises the kid-centric community holiday hype? I literally hate it. All it is is a chance for more whining, arguing, complaining and fighting. They whine when it’s time to leave. It’s a fight about all the dance SUGAR our country thinks kids need in order to have fun. And if I limit them because I care about their future potential diabetes, I’M the bad mom. It’s one more repeat of plastering a forced smile on my face when they say, “Mom, look at me!” in the bouncy house. It’s the work of cleaning up, the work of making them presentable, the work of getting them out of the house. It’s just all work. Why do I hate this so much? And why does it just feel like SO MUCH WORK. 

Pain

 When a person experiences pain on a daily basis it shapes both their view of the world and of themselves. It’s not necessarily predictable which shape they may take and it may vacillate even within the hour. Bitterness is one that comes from anger that everyone else gets the easy road without even trying. Humility is another more delicate shape from an acute awareness of their weaknesses. Vengeful determination can form out of an intense albeit brief offensive attack at the cause of the pain. But when that brigade once again fails they are consumed by defeat and dismay. 

and tired. So ... so... so tired. Physically, mentally, and spiritually tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of searching for answers. Tired of hoping. Tired a trying yet one more promising solution. 

Compassion and empathy are the shapes that can truly be beautiful. Lemonade, all things working for good, silver linings — call it what you may it, it doesn’t erase the past pain or cushion the next onslaught, but it is the only beautiful thing that I can see emerging that makes them loved by fellow sufferers who at least don’t have to be alone and in pain. Because we all know that being in pain is hard enough, but being in pain and alone simultaneously adds way more than insult upon injury. 

May you have empathy and be un-alone. 

On The Edge

Waiting. Unknown. Trepidation. Trust. Acceptance.
This is a strange place to be, when something could happen any day, yet each day it doesn't. When you really wonder how much longer you can go on, yet you know somehow you will. Anticipating a joy so beautiful accompanied by fear of the worst pain a soul one can know. Hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst. Either way within a week my life will be different.

Patience. Peace. Forty-one weeks.

Inconclusive

I went to an abdominal ultrasound today for a “palpable mass” that a family doctor was actually able to feel. But the ultrasound was inconclusive. Ultrasonography can’t see past or into the intestines. So if it’s something of that nature it will require a CT scan or MRI, which will have to be after the baby is born- due March 26^th.

You know what’s awful? I actually wish they would have found a tumor. Because then there would be a defined cause, and an explanation, and a course of action. Instead of everyone just thinking I’m psychosomatic, or weak and complaining, self-centered and spoiled. I would actually rather have cancer than have this.

I want to be cured. I want to be the former self again. I want to be happy and healthy, energetic and vibrant. I want to enjoy my 2 year old and my pregnancy. I want to enjoy cooking for my husband, enjoy food, and exercise with enthusiasm. Instead of walking around like a bloated, nauseous, shell of fatigue. And inevitably depression follows. As bad as it is, my heart hurts worse than the symptoms. I’d rather have pain than this.

God, I still know you can cure me. I still believe you want to. But I don’t understand why. Bill Johnson says you must have continual mystery in your life to challenge your faith. Well I sure do.

Please help.

Strife to Patience

This is the highest peak of requirement for patience that I have ever experienced. How do you live with joy and peace and rest and all the essence of what SHALOM in the midst of constant bickering, arguing, raised voices, disagreements, and unyielding opinions by frustrated, discontent, angry people??? Add into that a needy two-year old with no playmates, a mentally disabled 50 yr old woman, and a husband who wants sex at the end of a long day at 11 o'clock at night when all I can think of is collapsing in bed, popping in some melatonin with a hot water bottle on my sore muscles and hopefully drifting off to sleep uninterrupted by toddler nightmare cries.

My most anticipated time of day is at 5am gathering my bible, notebook, iphone, earbuds, and hot bullet-proof coffee....before any other soul is awake I revel in presence of musical worship of my God. I have to soak in worship of Him in this transcendent few moments before interaction with opposing expressions, demands, needs, and attitudes threaten to tear me down into sin.

Throughout the day I speak to Jesus, I pray in tongues, I put in the earbuds again to hear music, sermons, reports on any of my particular passions that peak my interest on that day...anything other than the arguing and strife. And I leave. I make it a point to get my son and I out of the house at least once a day. I would have rather been out today after nap time as well. It is trying. No one is hitting or screaming. But it's a constant spirit of division. It's affecting me. And it's affecting my son. But I will fight. I will fight hard.

I am going to intentionally seek out friendship and connection with Christian women and outlets for me to serve and love those in need who do not know Christ. Lord, I ask for help to find this.

And yet, thank you God, for this time of growing and developing of my strength of peace. To be the eye of the storm, as my dear friend prophesied before we came here. May I be that more. Only through you. Jesus--only in You. Be in me and me in You...

Trust with Laughter and Singing!

        I have had three tests in the last week. Two won, and one lost. But they are just battles.  The true victory is yet to fight for. And today is another chance! The battles may be common to women. Perhaps you will find encouragement and help in your time of struggle:

1st: Fatigue  >> won!  Loss of sleep and fatigue has been one of the hardest trials for me to face. Especially these last 2 1/2 years after after extreme disappointment, depression, and physical chronic illnesses (Lymes) since my unplanned c-section. But THIS time I did not wallow or complain! I woke up feeling exhausted and achey and 120 years old. I immediately requested help from God for energy and joy because otherwise the recurrent dragging myself through the day, uninvolved and just looking for the next chance to sleep would repeat. And He answered my cry for dependency  with a YES! wow. Thank you my God

2nd: Identity  >>won! I made a huge mistake... with our recent move to Alaska we are trying to close our former bank account. In order to do so it has to be at a zero balance with no pending charges. We waited two weeks and wrote a check out to ourselves. While waiting for that to clear I also paid off our Amex online, clicked submit... Oh NO! It was automated to pay from the previous bank account! I called and tried to cancel the same day payment. No avail. I called the bank. Nothing to do. Oh man...overdraft charge....another check ALSO cleared late and another overdraft.... I tried to fix my own problem with Paypal. Made it worse... but the most dreaded part was telling my husband. I had tried to tell myself it's ok, prayed, tried to not worry and fall into the self-condemnation. It was ok until it hit and I heard, "Honey, I want to trust you but... you rush things. You need to slow down and be more careful."  It may not sound awful, but I have desired my husband's approval to a fault. Actually depending my identity on weather he is currently pleased with me or not. Out of good intentions, but putting him in a place where only God should be. It hurt. All of my sadness of failure started to seep back into my healing heart. We ended the brief conversation. But THIS time I took action. I went for a run pushing my toddler in the stroller on these Alaskan roads with snow capped mountains in the backdrop. And internally I ran to my Daddy King. A remembered what the Holy Spirit had planted in my soul the day before. I am a Princess. My name means Princess. How does a royal Princess respond when she has made a horrible mistake? She innocently runs to her Daddy King who she has no doubt will thoroughly redeem her error, without judgement or condemnation. She does not lose her value or identity. Because she is not a failure, she is a Princess who just made a transient mistake. So.. I did received this. And not just with words, I actually changed my heart, my mood, and my expression. And I responded opposite to my tendency to avoid my husband when I got home, to avoid the expression of disappointment and the pain. Instead I looked at him with a smile and walked right up to him. And guess what, he smiled and gave me a hug. "It's really ok honey." Thank you God.

3rd: Body Image  >> lost.  I do not know of any woman who has not dealt with negative body image. My struggle is feeling fat when I am bloated, which has been an repetitive battle in health and digestion. Along with real weight gain and condemnation, failure, and preoccupation. It happened again, I ate things that I should have known would make me bloated, and I had been enjoying more food than is necessary. Here comes that bloating and feeling fat.... I again allowed my physical condition to affect my soul and spirit, and thus my interaction with my son and husband. I didn't complain (yay! mini victory), but I was not filled with joy from the Holy Spirit.

So, two out of three is pretty good! Celebrate the victories and get up quickly from the knocks down.  Rally my troops with the Word. Read Song of Solomon in the Message or the Passion Translation as God speaking to me. Recite Truth: ~My body REALLY  is just temporary. It really is not the needle gauge of who I am inside. While some soul conditions do show in physical conditions, my belly's protrusion and fat rolls do not lower or lessen my value or worth. Yes, a couple of times I may have taken too large a portion and found relaxation in eating, but other times I was enjoying fellowship and freedom and I am still learning the balance between freedom and physique. It's not permanent. Allow myself to fail, but motivate to do better today.

"Pure God put in the fire comes out proved genuine...when Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold (aka not my body) that God will have on display as evidence of His victory." (1Peter 1:6-7MSG)

 I can hedge myself by eating less and eating right--according to what I know works for my body, taking digestive enzymes etc. But I know it will come again and I will need to prepare with TRUTH. Be encouraged and inspired, fight with joy! I will win next time!

"Trust Him with laughter and singing!" 

1 Peter 1:6 MSG

"So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing.You didn't know any better then, you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness!"

1 Peter 1:13-16 MSG

Tenacity vs. Tears

i am somewhere between fighting harder for unity than I ever have before and breaking down in tears, with forming a cold stone heart wall in dangerous procsimity. 

How can you be so in love and connected in unity with someone one hour and then feel so hurt, insulted, distanced, belittled, unimportant and  so UNLOVED by him the next hour? 

Whenever, and in order to, love someone truly and deeply, you open your heart up to them and give a piece of it away. If you do this with negligence of the remainder you gradually become less and less until you realize you don't even know who you are anymore. You've given the determinant of the state of your soul away, making your joy or sorrow, sadness or delight, completely dependent on their response and action towards you. You share your own found joys because every time a joy is shared and reciprocated it multiplies twofold. You share your sorrows because every time a discouragement or sadness is shared and understood with empathy it lightened in half. Your soul knows this. So it continues to try. Even though it has been crushed time and time again. Because when you share your joy and it is met with disgust, disdain, disagreement, or even disinterest, that joy that was pure and hopeful and shining is suddenly shattered into a million sharp and hurtful pieces. And when you try to get your load lightened by sharing your sorrow and it is responded to with belittling, insulting, accusing your once small sorrow just became a mighty drowning torrent. 

Scientists have found the DNA of the last 6 people that a person has had sex with inside of their body. In this intimate case you actually have physically given parts of your being. Even if you have only ever had sex with one person, you give yourself away repetitively every time. And your offspring actually is made up of your DNA as well. You have given part of you in making them. But this is not horrid as it sounds. This was actually a better design than my selfish nature would have composed. Because the true design was that the separating of part of yourself was in actuality a pruning. It was to make you more, not less.  The painful loss is not a loss at all, it is a tending, a caring, a bettering. And realize it doesn't matter what happens to the piece that was cut off. It could be discarded, burned, crushed, or forgotten. But the branch still benefits from the cutting. It yields more fruit, juicier fruit, and bigger fruit. 

When we give our love and heart to our spouse and children and friends they have a free choice to receive it with honors, appreciation, and joy, or to reject it, disdain it, or not even notice it. They can reciprocate or ruthlessly negotiate. But if we spend all our time and energy mourning the fate of our twiggy sprout that was cut off, we sap the very life from our once healthy vine that is left. To seal our resurrection we must recognize and allow the boundaries of person. That is now theirs and them. And this is me and my responsibility. And, it's ok.  No actually, better than ok. Because if, and when, I cease from striving to overbear and enable that twig, the great miracle is it can then take root in its own. 

So, be ok. Be myself. Don't build walls of cold fortress in fear and anger to pretext my heart. But let more get pruned away everyday. And with a smile, with a softness, and with a knowing beyond the moment, and even beyond these five or ten years, we can allow more. It's what Jesus know when he broke the bread before he gave his body and soul. But gained so much more. 

So I can either not share a joy if I know it will be smashed or I can hear the crashing, yet keep my full joy because I have already had it multiplied to completion by first sharing it with Christ Jesus' Holy Spirit. Who is always understanding, always encouraging, always wise and always compassionate. He loves me better than I love myself and knows what is more beneficial for my good in the grand tapestry more than in this small stitch of time. So sigh.  And smile. He is good. Pain comes, but there is joy in the morning. 

It is for freedom!!! That Christ has set us free.......**!*!*!*!*!*

I have the best friend in the world. Right at the worst moment, she drove up. I actually was no happy to see her, because at that moment I cried, "GOD! I can't do this! I'm so tired...!" I hadn't gotten dressed that morning, or cleaned my floor, or made the bed or brushed my teeth. I felt miserable. Woke up exhausted, irritated, with sharp back pain every time I bent down to pick up my 25lb adorable toddler. My first confession to her was, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!!" and then the tears just broke. "That's why I've been spending all this money on supplements and listening to all these health podcasts and eating such a ridiculously limited diet, cuz I just want to feel good again!!!" Hot tears streamed down my face. No my head was pounding from the anger and grief.

She sat with me, made me do nothing but talk. Everything she spoke from the Spirit is so true. A spirit of oppression has been hovering over me for the past 2-3 years, demanding things of me that I cannot achieve. I have been requiring myself to strive to such a standard that is impossible. I hear the words of my husband and his family and the cultural supposed "norm" and I have beat myself to be the best, make it all happen, have the organized and clean home, be the perfect wife, please my husband, make his family proud, and somehow strive to avoid tears and fights with my son.

It's ok to have a bad day. It's ok to have a dirty floor, or for my son to be mad, or my husband's dinner not ready when he gets home. It's ok if my husband is upset with me--imagine that!!

I have been secure in myself for so long. God is stripping that away, so that I will find my security only in HIM.

I WILL NOT WORRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
I will not worry about money, or food, or cleanliness, or my son's appearance, my husband's happiness, my sleep or my circles under my eyes, I will not worry about my health or my vitality or my purpose. I will not worry about missing out on life. I will not worry about my goat getting milked or my cheese turning out. I will not worry about my work or pleasing every person. I will not WORRY but I will BE.

I am loved.

I am accepted.

I am perfect in Christ.

I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I am a good employee, a good friend, a loved daughter in law.

I am at rest.

So I casted that spirit of oppression away and out of my life my soul my home and its assignment over me, by the precious sacrificed blood of Jesus Christ--- He DIED THAT I COULD BE FREE.

Thank you Lord, for good friends. Thank you for freedom. Holy Spirit, help me walk it out. The next time my husband or someone else says something condemning--help me access the love and acceptance and rest I have inside of my spirit through Your presence. And help me know how to respond out of knowing and being Beloved by You.

I am your daughter. And I am free.   :)

Selfish or Self Care?

Where is the balance between serving and loving my husband, considering him "as better then myself" (Phil 2:3) and caring for my own needs out of a rightstanding self worth? I've heard "you must take care of yourself in order to take care of others." I definitely learned that on the mission field. But last night, for the first time I said no to my husband's suggestion for a fun event that would end as a late night. Before, I would give in every time because I love spending time with him so much. Many women crave for their husbands to suggest a fun idea. But afterwards I always suffered and degraded my own choice. One of my goals for internal rest and joy is to live in such a way that I do not regret my own actions. One of those repeatedly has been not going to bed earlier. So, how do I balance this pulling of desires? Fun leisure with my husband, or adequate sleep leaving me happier, healthier, and even prettier?

Perhaps we can find a way to meet in the middle.

Spirit, lead me even in this.

My prayer is that my husband would support and encourage me to get the sleep I need.
And that I would sleep easily, well, and be energetic for the day!

Attack!

Do you ever feel like you are just irritated at everything? Someone could touch you and you just might blow up. You're even irritated at yourself for being irritated. Everything seems to be going wrong. Everyone is just making more work. You're late. You have a headache. You have to clean up after everyone. No one cares about you. You're tired and depressed or mad. You feel like either breaking down in a sobbing crumpled mess or punching something. And no, it's not PMS season, can't blame it on that. In fact, you feel like you're being attacked from the inside...

I think you are.


I had a morning like that. Erggh... it still irritates me, that I was that irritated. What's my problem? I even set out to start off the day great. Got up early to get a shower, have Jesus time, and prepare for the day while my two men slept. Ideal world. However, buddy boy woke up at a pin drop, way to early, so he was cranky. And I started off with a headache. Forget the shower alone, but he played and bathed and I did get him back to sleep. So back to plan, right? wrong. Then the physical ailments.... feeling SO fatigued, no energy, nausea from something I ate (pregnancy test negative), headache worsening, irritable out the wazoo, my only thoughts are negative complaints and self pity. making me wallow in a spiral of fleshly sin..... I feel like I'm being killed from the inside.

And the truth is, I think I am.

When I was young and single I had purpose. I had passion. I had giddy joy! I was "fun to be with"! Then came all the pressures and responsibilities of a marriage relationship, employment, bills, finances, another persons ideals and values and goals, a little one who NEEDS you impressively, and something happened to my joy. Somewhere along the lines it started suffocating. Somehow, this woman began to lose her personhood, the very traits that made me Me.

The fact is, we must have a Vision, a Mission, and a purpose outside of ourselves. Greater than the four walls of our house, home and family life. More than cooking and cleaning, and making two men happy. Beyond being liked by all and despised by none. Because you try at that and you're destined to fail in an inferiority misery. I've been there.

My husband is studying business. An epiphany hit me as I read his textbook aloud while we drove the hour to church this morning:  The CEO makes the decisions and directs the subordinate managers as to their actions. He takes their reports in account, but he is not swayed by their frantic opinions. Because he sees the larger picture, the vision.

My Spirit should be the CEO of my organism. My Spirit should determine the attitude, actions, and direction of her subordinates, my Body and my Soul. So... my body's reports of nausea, headache, fatigue, bloating.... should not determine my action of speaking complaint and tossing the earphones to my husband instead of handing them. My hormonal mood of discouragement from my Soul should not direct my Spirit to lose her Value and Purpose. My Spirit takes all these into account honorably, but she then should make her decision based on a higher vision. A noble calling that sees beyond this minute of frustration.

That all sounds well and good as words on a page. But what happens when tomorrow morning it all starts to repeat itself?

That's when we CRY OUT for His help. He died so I don't have to live in the Old Covenant of fear, stress, illness, and anger. He didn't just forgive me once and then let me alone. He has CONTINUAL DAILY grace for my failures and shortcomings. And.... I should have daily grace for me.  Forgive myself for losing my temper at my 1 yr old for kicking me one more time while I'm trying to change his diaper. And RECEIVE His enabling grace to move on. Because I am worth more than rubies. I have foundations of Sapphire.

Can I see?

Open my eyes...

When did this get SO HARD?!?!

Being a wife and mother sometimes is just plain hard. People don't always tell you that when you're a young gleeful single woman with a dream in her heart and success in her hands. You feel like marriage and a family will answer all of your problems, fulfill all your unmet longings, and give you a whole new passion for life that you've been missing. There might be one kindly genuine person who attempts to hand off a padded comment about, "oh, we have our rough times. But we've worked through them." You brush it off, "I won't have that. Nope, me and my husband are going to be head over heels in love every day until the moment we die, achieving maybe 60 years of glorious matrimony!" Of course there's the divorced individuals. But you have talked with them, and it seems pretty obvious what they did wrong: Married someone they thought they could change; married too young, or too old; were unhealed emotionally at the time of joining their union; had an abusive spouse; claims they fell out of love; had an unloving, uncaring spouse; or their spouse just randomly changed and told them they were done and gone. None of those would apply to you.

And then one day it happens. You realize you've been married for 3 years and gradually things have built up, tears and hurt have occurred numerous times. The pain you've felt in your heart you never knew you could when you're supposed to be so close to the person you love. But that's just the thing, you LOVE him so much! That's why it hurts so much. Why can't he understand? Does he not see?? What happened to all of the fun things we used to do together? What happened to the giddy joy and love of just being together? When did work and money and advancing in the world become so important? Why can't we see eye to eye on parenting, and budgets, and the need for sleep, and activities on leisure, and food, and household upkeep?? And worse of all, why does this hurt so much? Is it me? Am I wrong that all of these things bother me so much? Should I just let them go, brush them aside, and "don't sweat the small stuff"? Why do I feel so unloved, I feel that everything is an insult to my character. That whatever he does say or doesn't say is a disappointment in who I am, in my skills, my ability, my beauty. Am I the one with the inner soul wound that causes me to interpret each look and word and silence as an attack or simply as a lack of love? Or is it him, does he need to have an epiphany of how much he's hurting me without realizing it, of how much I do for him and how little sometimes he does back. When did this get so HARD??!!
t

That's on the bad days. On the good days, things are great, you take smiling pictures and everyone beams and says you're such a wonderful family. The young girls all want to be like you. The say you two make them actually want to get married, and even consider children. You both say sorry and forgive and promise to do better. Maybe you even schedule an event, a marriage conference, or a family outing. Everything seems promising again. But will it last?? Was there really a change? What does not kill us makes us stronger, they say. Did we actually get to the root of it? Or is there a root, maybe it's just a daily pursuit. A daily surrender and dying. Forgiving for the seventy times seventh time. Maybe.

I will continue to learn, seek, and grow.

To come, what I am learning I is all part of staying alive and passionate, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, and as a princess of the King.