Faith

 "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour"

When I was single singing this song, I never thought it would mean this. I imagined traveling to various third world remote jungles caring for the weak and poor of the world. I imagined living in a hut in Africa not knowing where our next meal would come from. I pictured miracles of provision, access and healing. Honestly, from what I've experienced now I don't think those things take as much faith. You may disagree with me depending on what life you've lived. But serving the poor and spiritually oppressed in Haiti was way easy compared to this. Having four people calling your name with various needs on a mission compound, being tired from walking the streets tending to wounds and sicknesses and coming back so tired you don't have energy to take off your sandals before crashing onto a thin sleeping bag laid on concrete was still essentially external to my spirit and my soul. It was like Job losing his house and cattle. He still trusted God easily. 

But when God allowed the devil to attack his physical body, when his closest friends and his wife- the person who shares a bed, children, and covenant with him who should have supported him through it all- turned against him.. that is when he faltered. That's when his faith in God's good plan shook. That's when he questioned what he had done to deserve this, he questioned God's will. 

I never though that "trust without borders" could mean trust that I can be alive, content, and ok... even when I'm in the very same room with a spouse  who detaches, blame-shifts, and resorts to addictions vs sharing his burden with his wife and his God; who seems to have a purpose of keeping you from over-confidence, who knows just what to say to bring your wisp of motivation and delight crashing back to the ground. Someone who you feel at best doesn't like you and at worst attests that you are the very source of all problems. There may be moments, glimmers of hope, of insight or real communication. But then something shifts and its back to being married to a nothing. A robot. 

Sometimes faith is just being ok.   In the middle of this. I'm ok. 

Not cold. Not self-protective walls. Not anger or throwing mud back in his face. Not crying every moment a touching song comes on or every Sunday worship when you have a moment without your curious children's watching eyes. 

I never thought faith and trust would be this hard.

Being OK - can be faith.