Disney

 It's just so much harder than I thought: mothering, wife-ing, running a home, working part-time investigating researching and treatment women to help them feel alive and their best, all while suffering from chronic issues that all my education and experience cannot fix, that God has not fixed, and that doctors want to slap prescriptions on. 

There's another in the Fire.... There's a grace when our heart is under fire. 

I know, it just doesn't feel like it most days. 

Their arguing, whining, fighting, anger directed at me, their mother, their birth origin. It's amazing how a human can come out of your body and then turn around and lash out at the very one who gave it life. I did not know how much that would hurt, even when their little 5 yr old ballet-slipper stomping feet are cute- the anger still mounts a loss, a defense, a feeling of failure - even though you know they a fickle and childish. The angry eyes still hurt. Why does it hurt so much?!? 

I remember the firs time I felt God let me down. Something I had prayed for my entire life, something I had kept sincere and unwavering. When that life long prayer was found to have fallen on deaf ears - or even ears that knew what was better for me, but still not given the answer I asked for for years - the pain, oh the pain. I think that was the moment that a wedge was initiated between me and God. Then with each loss, each unanswered prayer, each silent heaven, the hammer blow hit harder and the wedge grew deeper. 

Two whole people becoming one should equal a unified tri-une marriage. Eating right and exercising should result in a healthy body, a healthy birth. But no, that's not how the world works. And so I teach my kids, 'Life's not fair'. I don't want them to grow with the disillusionment that I had. 

She says, "on this side of heaven we will have unfulfilled needs and desires." 

I disagree. The kingdom of heaven is at hand, it's in you, it's come to earth. I believe we CAN feel completely whole, that our desire for deep connection, encompassing love, feeling that everything you've dedicated your life to HAS a purpose. I don't even know how I can still believe this, but I do. And thus lies the tension, the yearning, the seeking.

Every Disney movie has a young girl longing for something more, outside the small town, beyond the shoreline, outside the castle walls. I feel like that girl, I always have. But somehow I thought I'd find that answer in marriage. I didn't even long for kids- just the man. The one who would envelope me with an equal search for me - followed by an adventure of a lifetime, that was life itself. But always together, facing the world. When attacked or failed, together we would draw closer. The painful times would bring us more intimate, not apart. 

Where did I go wrong?