Alone

 A different kind of lonely, surrounded by people, in a ‘commuted’ marriage for 16 years, yet feeling alone. 

Compared to actually being alone. Four day hunt trips, week long work conferences, overnight sea patrols. He’s gone. I have an odd combination of relief and loneliness at the same time. 

I do find it easier to overcome— or master the art of finding peace alone— when he’s gone though, than when he’s here but not emotionally connecting. When he’s here it’s a painful loneliness, with aromas of betrayal, neglect, abandonment. 

But physically alone is just that, potentially isolated. But more just by yourself. And that can be sad. But it also can be an opportunity. 

What I want to master is having the same peace in both settings. This is why I made the playlist “single soul” on my Spotify account. How do I live with a stable satisfied soul irregardless of the choices of my covenanted spouse. It’s not just about intentional phone calls or walks with girl friends, hobbies, or exercise. It’s a state of being, a way of thinking, a change in motive and expectation. Not settling, nor giving up— hopefully. But genuine acceptance of where I’m at. 

The pain still shows up. I may have days of doing this well only to realize with the kind eyes and empathy of a man that I had been stuffing it just beneath the surface to get through my day. It wakes back up what my soul is longing for. Tears come, that ache in my chest burns. But they will pass and I will live on. The longing will always be there. I receive what moments it gets a taste of intimacy, and am grateful. If it is realized fully someday with commitment, intimacy and __ combined I will rejoice. If not, I aim to still thrive. God help me. 

Me

 I turned in my resignation Monday. 

Heart ache. 11 years. Turning a page to the next chapter. 

This is me

40 years old. Mom of three. Wife of one man for 16 years. NP for 18 years. Business owner for 9 months. 

I feel like I’m coming more in to my body and soul than I have ever before in my entire life. No more pressure to be all and do all. No more shame of being weak or having tears. No more anxious fear of abandonment 

Settled inside of myself. Not reliant on any man or person to approve or pursue for me to feel worth it. 

Confident yet humbled. I didn’t realize I was judgmental as a 20 yr old. But I was untested. I hadn’t walked a mile in any shoes of suffering. Let alone 20 years. 

I know more pain is to come, I know everything up until this point is preparing me for what lies ahead. 

God I don’t wish such heartache and pain on anyone. But… it definitely has grown me. 

Another group conversation Tuesday with two couples that seems to transcend time: the husband said: without pain and darkness we would never fully grasp how good Gods goodness is. 

Maybe that’s the why

So in that vein. Thank you God, for the suffering.

Resolve

 

To have resolve —“possessing a strong, unwavering determination, firmness of purpose, or willpower to stick to a decision or goal, especially when facing difficulty, opposition, or temptation”

Conclusion to that last story— that baby duckling actually did end up dying after all. He suffered from splayed legs. I tried taping them as a YouTube video showed but he lost strength and died slowly and painfully after 2 days. Completely heart breaking. 

And thus— “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” ?? I think it depends. 

Last month I saw two women on the same day. Both had suffered atrocious abuse and betrayal from their spouse. Both had physical ailments as a result of the stress and relational manipulation. One is very bitter, resentful, and pessimistic on the world. Her demeanor is one of anticipating failure or disappointment. I literally have to tell myself  in the middle of the visit  “she’s not mad at me, just the situation”. 

The other is a ball of joy and light. Her big smile lights up the room and her mannerisms are exuberant and excited. Now don’t be fooled she will cry or shake if she is triggered or difficult discussions arise. But she is determined to calm and heal her soul, fight for herself and her kids, and come out on top. And I believe she will. 

So— does the fire ALWAYS yield fertile soil for beautiful flowers and tasty Merrell mushrooms? No. Not always. It depends on if the seed is dropped in that soil. 

The analogy might end there. Bc where does that seed come from?

Jesus? I mean, I’ve seen some very bitter Christian’s and some very joy filled non-believers. So I can’t say that either. 

I’m at an odd juxtaposition of: full acknowledgement of where I’m at (and the situation is at), letting go of the dream of what may never be, yet resolve

Resolve to not be crushed

Resolve to joy

Resolve to not let the hard moments, the loneliness, the betrayal, the soul abandonement to snuff out the light in my spirit

Resolve to stay me. To not get smaller. To keep my personality and my optimistic outlook. Albeit with  mature dose of reality. 

That’s the woman I want to be. The grandma that has suffered pain, loss, hardship but can still look you deep in the eyes and see you, acknowledge your experience as real and hard too, and still burst out laughing at a silly spill or ridiculous joke. That’s who I resolve to be

Help

 Everyone tells you not to help a hatching bird out of its shell.

Last night I disobeyed the cautionary instructions and helped my struggling duckling 

. It had been 12 hrs with the same small hole. He was alive and chirping inside. The shell was hard and starting to dry out. I could see that he was going to die if I went to bed without acting. So contrary to all the analogies of struggling building strength and resiliency, I cracked and pulled off the shell and membrane from this little duck. And guess what, he’s alive and well. He would have died had I left him. 

So it’s not true- you won’t kill a hatchling by helping him out. 

Right now I’m indignant with God. I think we’ve been duped. How could he not help us out. How can He watch us struggle when it would be so easy to break that shell? It won’t kill us. It will make us feel loved, we might just survive. Because at this moment I think I’m too weak from the struggle to go on. I might just succumb to the shell as a tomb. 

I’m not suicidal. Just tired. So f*ing tired of this struggle. 

Faith

 "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour"

When I was single singing this song, I never thought it would mean this. I imagined traveling to various third world remote jungles caring for the weak and poor of the world. I imagined living in a hut in Africa not knowing where our next meal would come from. I pictured miracles of provision, access and healing. Honestly, from what I've experienced now I don't think those things take as much faith. You may disagree with me depending on what life you've lived. But serving the poor and spiritually oppressed in Haiti was way easy compared to this. Having four people calling your name with various needs on a mission compound, being tired from walking the streets tending to wounds and sicknesses and coming back so tired you don't have energy to take off your sandals before crashing onto a thin sleeping bag laid on concrete was still essentially external to my spirit and my soul. It was like Job losing his house and cattle. He still trusted God easily. 

But when God allowed the devil to attack his physical body, when his closest friends and his wife- the person who shares a bed, children, and covenant with him who should have supported him through it all- turned against him.. that is when he faltered. That's when his faith in God's good plan shook. That's when he questioned what he had done to deserve this, he questioned God's will. 

I never though that "trust without borders" could mean trust that I can be alive, content, and ok... even when I'm in the very same room with a spouse  who detaches, blame-shifts, and resorts to addictions vs sharing his burden with his wife and his God; who seems to have a purpose of keeping you from over-confidence, who knows just what to say to bring your wisp of motivation and delight crashing back to the ground. Someone who you feel at best doesn't like you and at worst attests that you are the very source of all problems. There may be moments, glimmers of hope, of insight or real communication. But then something shifts and its back to being married to a nothing. A robot. 

Sometimes faith is just being ok.   In the middle of this. I'm ok. 

Not cold. Not self-protective walls. Not anger or throwing mud back in his face. Not crying every moment a touching song comes on or every Sunday worship when you have a moment without your curious children's watching eyes. 

I never thought faith and trust would be this hard.

Being OK - can be faith.

Waiting

 Is it possible in life to be truly alive, fully free, having stellar self-worth and value, having all your needs met so you can give out to the world your best self --- when the people most dearly loved and close to you continually reject you, or leave you.

I have patient's who have patient's who have an abusive spouse, who lost their only child, who's own mother disowns them, who's spouse treats them like a roommate for 30 years of marriage... can they too become fully actualized? do you need the love of others to feel completely and utterly lovable and desirable? Or can you get this yourself, from yourself or from God. Can you really truly ever be there when they reject you one more time, when you live with them and they don't see, know, your hear your soul, your heart, your spirit?

Are these people going to be waiting around for the rest of their life for their loved ones to wake up, to work on their sh*& and deal with their past and learn how to have reflective listening, pursue their spouse, have compassion on another person's suffering without feeling triggered into fear, or just love deeply and vulnerably?

I would like to think so. But i'm really not so sure. 

Birthday

You know that ray of sunshine when all seems *good* in life, for just. one. moment. When you're kids are laughing and learning to work together to decorate a home-made Minecraft cake, when you're able to laugh about the lopsided mess instead of nag at them for being normal, sticky, sloppy kids. When the loud boundary-less 2nd grade friends arrive and you feel a solidarity of the matriarch of this home that it's taken you so long to grow into. 

When you choose the loyal action even when it's shakingly hard.

When he arrives home and you start to feel that familiar tense knot grow again - is he upset that they were playing in his shop.... he thinks this party is going too long... he thinks I caused unnecessary work for myself... he probably dislikes the gluten-free pizza and carrot cake that my son chose and made and won't react to...he hates these birthday streamers in his way.... 

BUT

This time you breathe, you release, you let go of someone in their own mess, their own hinderances to freedom and joy. You embrace the truth that his peace and joy is not your fault or your responsibility. You are a separate person. 

Not sure how two become one  equals two individual whole healthy people in a non-co-dependent marital covenant works together. But somehow, it must.