Attack!

Do you ever feel like you are just irritated at everything? Someone could touch you and you just might blow up. You're even irritated at yourself for being irritated. Everything seems to be going wrong. Everyone is just making more work. You're late. You have a headache. You have to clean up after everyone. No one cares about you. You're tired and depressed or mad. You feel like either breaking down in a sobbing crumpled mess or punching something. And no, it's not PMS season, can't blame it on that. In fact, you feel like you're being attacked from the inside...

I think you are.


I had a morning like that. Erggh... it still irritates me, that I was that irritated. What's my problem? I even set out to start off the day great. Got up early to get a shower, have Jesus time, and prepare for the day while my two men slept. Ideal world. However, buddy boy woke up at a pin drop, way to early, so he was cranky. And I started off with a headache. Forget the shower alone, but he played and bathed and I did get him back to sleep. So back to plan, right? wrong. Then the physical ailments.... feeling SO fatigued, no energy, nausea from something I ate (pregnancy test negative), headache worsening, irritable out the wazoo, my only thoughts are negative complaints and self pity. making me wallow in a spiral of fleshly sin..... I feel like I'm being killed from the inside.

And the truth is, I think I am.

When I was young and single I had purpose. I had passion. I had giddy joy! I was "fun to be with"! Then came all the pressures and responsibilities of a marriage relationship, employment, bills, finances, another persons ideals and values and goals, a little one who NEEDS you impressively, and something happened to my joy. Somewhere along the lines it started suffocating. Somehow, this woman began to lose her personhood, the very traits that made me Me.

The fact is, we must have a Vision, a Mission, and a purpose outside of ourselves. Greater than the four walls of our house, home and family life. More than cooking and cleaning, and making two men happy. Beyond being liked by all and despised by none. Because you try at that and you're destined to fail in an inferiority misery. I've been there.

My husband is studying business. An epiphany hit me as I read his textbook aloud while we drove the hour to church this morning:  The CEO makes the decisions and directs the subordinate managers as to their actions. He takes their reports in account, but he is not swayed by their frantic opinions. Because he sees the larger picture, the vision.

My Spirit should be the CEO of my organism. My Spirit should determine the attitude, actions, and direction of her subordinates, my Body and my Soul. So... my body's reports of nausea, headache, fatigue, bloating.... should not determine my action of speaking complaint and tossing the earphones to my husband instead of handing them. My hormonal mood of discouragement from my Soul should not direct my Spirit to lose her Value and Purpose. My Spirit takes all these into account honorably, but she then should make her decision based on a higher vision. A noble calling that sees beyond this minute of frustration.

That all sounds well and good as words on a page. But what happens when tomorrow morning it all starts to repeat itself?

That's when we CRY OUT for His help. He died so I don't have to live in the Old Covenant of fear, stress, illness, and anger. He didn't just forgive me once and then let me alone. He has CONTINUAL DAILY grace for my failures and shortcomings. And.... I should have daily grace for me.  Forgive myself for losing my temper at my 1 yr old for kicking me one more time while I'm trying to change his diaper. And RECEIVE His enabling grace to move on. Because I am worth more than rubies. I have foundations of Sapphire.

Can I see?

Open my eyes...