I have had three tests in the last week. Two won, and one lost. But they are just battles. The true victory is yet to fight for. And today is another chance! The battles may be common to women. Perhaps you will find encouragement and help in your time of struggle:
1st: Fatigue >> won! Loss of sleep and fatigue has been one of the hardest trials for me to face. Especially these last 2 1/2 years after after extreme disappointment, depression, and physical chronic illnesses (Lymes) since my unplanned c-section. But THIS time I did not wallow or complain! I woke up feeling exhausted and achey and 120 years old. I immediately requested help from God for energy and joy because otherwise the recurrent dragging myself through the day, uninvolved and just looking for the next chance to sleep would repeat. And He answered my cry for dependency with a YES! wow. Thank you my God
2nd: Identity >>won! I made a huge mistake... with our recent move to Alaska we are trying to close our former bank account. In order to do so it has to be at a zero balance with no pending charges. We waited two weeks and wrote a check out to ourselves. While waiting for that to clear I also paid off our Amex online, clicked submit... Oh NO! It was automated to pay from the previous bank account! I called and tried to cancel the same day payment. No avail. I called the bank. Nothing to do. Oh man...overdraft charge....another check ALSO cleared late and another overdraft.... I tried to fix my own problem with Paypal. Made it worse... but the most dreaded part was telling my husband. I had tried to tell myself it's ok, prayed, tried to not worry and fall into the self-condemnation. It was ok until it hit and I heard, "Honey, I want to trust you but... you rush things. You need to slow down and be more careful." It may not sound awful, but I have desired my husband's approval to a fault. Actually depending my identity on weather he is currently pleased with me or not. Out of good intentions, but putting him in a place where only God should be. It hurt. All of my sadness of failure started to seep back into my healing heart. We ended the brief conversation. But THIS time I took action. I went for a run pushing my toddler in the stroller on these Alaskan roads with snow capped mountains in the backdrop. And internally I ran to my Daddy King. A remembered what the Holy Spirit had planted in my soul the day before. I am a Princess. My name means Princess. How does a royal Princess respond when she has made a horrible mistake? She innocently runs to her Daddy King who she has no doubt will thoroughly redeem her error, without judgement or condemnation. She does not lose her value or identity. Because she is not a failure, she is a Princess who just made a transient mistake. So.. I did received this. And not just with words, I actually changed my heart, my mood, and my expression. And I responded opposite to my tendency to avoid my husband when I got home, to avoid the expression of disappointment and the pain. Instead I looked at him with a smile and walked right up to him. And guess what, he smiled and gave me a hug. "It's really ok honey." Thank you God.
3rd: Body Image >> lost. I do not know of any woman who has not dealt with negative body image. My struggle is feeling fat when I am bloated, which has been an repetitive battle in health and digestion. Along with real weight gain and condemnation, failure, and preoccupation. It happened again, I ate things that I should have known would make me bloated, and I had been enjoying more food than is necessary. Here comes that bloating and feeling fat.... I again allowed my physical condition to affect my soul and spirit, and thus my interaction with my son and husband. I didn't complain (yay! mini victory), but I was not filled with joy from the Holy Spirit.
So, two out of three is pretty good! Celebrate the victories and get up quickly from the knocks down. Rally my troops with the Word. Read Song of Solomon in the Message or the Passion Translation as God speaking to me. Recite Truth: ~My body REALLY is just temporary. It really is not the needle gauge of who I am inside. While some soul conditions do show in physical conditions, my belly's protrusion and fat rolls do not lower or lessen my value or worth. Yes, a couple of times I may have taken too large a portion and found relaxation in eating, but other times I was enjoying fellowship and freedom and I am still learning the balance between freedom and physique. It's not permanent. Allow myself to fail, but motivate to do better today.
"Pure God put in the fire comes out proved genuine...when Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold (aka not my body) that God will have on display as evidence of His victory." (1Peter 1:6-7MSG)
"Trust Him with laughter and singing!"
1 Peter 1:6 MSG
"So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing.You didn't know any better then, you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness!"
1 Peter 1:13-16 MSG
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