Resolve

 

To have resolve —“possessing a strong, unwavering determination, firmness of purpose, or willpower to stick to a decision or goal, especially when facing difficulty, opposition, or temptation”

Conclusion to that last story— that baby duckling actually did end up dying after all. He suffered from splayed legs. I tried taping them as a YouTube video showed but he lost strength and died slowly and painfully after 2 days. Completely heart breaking. 

And thus— “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” ?? I think it depends. 

Last month I saw two women on the same day. Both had suffered atrocious abuse and betrayal from their spouse. Both had physical ailments as a result of the stress and relational manipulation. One is very bitter, resentful, and pessimistic on the world. Her demeanor is one of anticipating failure or disappointment. I literally have to tell myself  in the middle of the visit  “she’s not mad at me, just the situation”. 

The other is a ball of joy and light. Her big smile lights up the room and her mannerisms are exuberant and excited. Now don’t be fooled she will cry or shake if she is triggered or difficult discussions arise. But she is determined to calm and heal her soul, fight for herself and her kids, and come out on top. And I believe she will. 

So— does the fire ALWAYS yield fertile soil for beautiful flowers and tasty Merrell mushrooms? No. Not always. It depends on if the seed is dropped in that soil. 

The analogy might end there. Bc where does that seed come from?

Jesus? I mean, I’ve seen some very bitter Christian’s and some very joy filled non-believers. So I can’t say that either. 

I’m at an odd juxtaposition of: full acknowledgement of where I’m at (and the situation is at), letting go of the dream of what may never be, yet resolve

Resolve to not be crushed

Resolve to joy

Resolve to not let the hard moments, the loneliness, the betrayal, the soul abandonement to snuff out the light in my spirit

Resolve to stay me. To not get smaller. To keep my personality and my optimistic outlook. Albeit with  mature dose of reality. 

That’s the woman I want to be. The grandma that has suffered pain, loss, hardship but can still look you deep in the eyes and see you, acknowledge your experience as real and hard too, and still burst out laughing at a silly spill or ridiculous joke. That’s who I resolve to be

Help

 Everyone tells you not to help a hatching bird out of its shell.

Last night I disobeyed the cautionary instructions and helped my struggling duckling 

. It had been 12 hrs with the same small hole. He was alive and chirping inside. The shell was hard and starting to dry out. I could see that he was going to die if I went to bed without acting. So contrary to all the analogies of struggling building strength and resiliency, I cracked and pulled off the shell and membrane from this little duck. And guess what, he’s alive and well. He would have died had I left him. 

So it’s not true- you won’t kill a hatchling by helping him out. 

Right now I’m indignant with God. I think we’ve been duped. How could he not help us out. How can He watch us struggle when it would be so easy to break that shell? It won’t kill us. It will make us feel loved, we might just survive. Because at this moment I think I’m too weak from the struggle to go on. I might just succumb to the shell as a tomb. 

I’m not suicidal. Just tired. So f*ing tired of this struggle.