i am somewhere between fighting harder for unity than I ever have before and breaking down in tears, with forming a cold stone heart wall in dangerous procsimity.
How can you be so in love and connected in unity with someone one hour and then feel so hurt, insulted, distanced, belittled, unimportant and so UNLOVED by him the next hour?
Whenever, and in order to, love someone truly and deeply, you open your heart up to them and give a piece of it away. If you do this with negligence of the remainder you gradually become less and less until you realize you don't even know who you are anymore. You've given the determinant of the state of your soul away, making your joy or sorrow, sadness or delight, completely dependent on their response and action towards you. You share your own found joys because every time a joy is shared and reciprocated it multiplies twofold. You share your sorrows because every time a discouragement or sadness is shared and understood with empathy it lightened in half. Your soul knows this. So it continues to try. Even though it has been crushed time and time again. Because when you share your joy and it is met with disgust, disdain, disagreement, or even disinterest, that joy that was pure and hopeful and shining is suddenly shattered into a million sharp and hurtful pieces. And when you try to get your load lightened by sharing your sorrow and it is responded to with belittling, insulting, accusing your once small sorrow just became a mighty drowning torrent.
Scientists have found the DNA of the last 6 people that a person has had sex with inside of their body. In this intimate case you actually have physically given parts of your being. Even if you have only ever had sex with one person, you give yourself away repetitively every time. And your offspring actually is made up of your DNA as well. You have given part of you in making them. But this is not horrid as it sounds. This was actually a better design than my selfish nature would have composed. Because the true design was that the separating of part of yourself was in actuality a pruning. It was to make you more, not less. The painful loss is not a loss at all, it is a tending, a caring, a bettering. And realize it doesn't matter what happens to the piece that was cut off. It could be discarded, burned, crushed, or forgotten. But the branch still benefits from the cutting. It yields more fruit, juicier fruit, and bigger fruit.
When we give our love and heart to our spouse and children and friends they have a free choice to receive it with honors, appreciation, and joy, or to reject it, disdain it, or not even notice it. They can reciprocate or ruthlessly negotiate. But if we spend all our time and energy mourning the fate of our twiggy sprout that was cut off, we sap the very life from our once healthy vine that is left. To seal our resurrection we must recognize and allow the boundaries of person. That is now theirs and them. And this is me and my responsibility. And, it's ok. No actually, better than ok. Because if, and when, I cease from striving to overbear and enable that twig, the great miracle is it can then take root in its own.
So, be ok. Be myself. Don't build walls of cold fortress in fear and anger to pretext my heart. But let more get pruned away everyday. And with a smile, with a softness, and with a knowing beyond the moment, and even beyond these five or ten years, we can allow more. It's what Jesus know when he broke the bread before he gave his body and soul. But gained so much more.
So I can either not share a joy if I know it will be smashed or I can hear the crashing, yet keep my full joy because I have already had it multiplied to completion by first sharing it with Christ Jesus' Holy Spirit. Who is always understanding, always encouraging, always wise and always compassionate. He loves me better than I love myself and knows what is more beneficial for my good in the grand tapestry more than in this small stitch of time. So sigh. And smile. He is good. Pain comes, but there is joy in the morning.
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