I’m listening to the book Trust by Dr Cloud. So INSIGHTFUL
It describes exactly what I have been feeling for years but unable to identify or articulate. It expounds and exposes what has been missing in my marriage for 14 of the 16 years
He isn’t just describing trust as: I believe that when you tell me something you’re telling the truth.
That is a far base level trust. Real deep trust is much more.
According to Dr Cloud, The five essentials of trust requires all of the following:
Understanding - feels what I’m feeling. Gets me. Sees me. Understands me.
Motive - has my back, has my best interest always in mind. Asking self, “if I do this, how would it affect my spouse?”His intent for me is as much as his intent for himself
Ability/capacity- to communicate well, to show empathy, resolve conflict, To be resilient under stress, to compromise on a disagreement, to be vulnerable
Character - more than moral and ethical character. Virtue (courage, merit, chastity), Self-control, perseverance (can depend on them during mundane times and during tough seasons), godliness(internal reverence for God), brotherly kindness(1 Peter 1:5-9).
Handle their own emotions well.
Empathetic. Emotionally available.
Open to feedback
(Not arrogant, not narcissistic, not controlling or perfectionists, not hard-driving)
Track record - not just choosing to be different, but become different. A Process that both creates the change and displays the new abilities. People can change, but we need objective reasons to have hope and trust—Seeing something tangible about where that new ability comes from.
But If you do not address a problem and it does happens again, You do not have a problem. Now you have a pattern. An established way of operating And patterns will kill you.
*based on a map of what happened last time
The index of betrayal: a marriage is in the trust-betrayal zone, when someone is looking out for their own interest instead of their partners interests.
Ones ally has turned into one’s adversary
True love is looking out for the good of the other party
My covenant life spouse demonstrates none of these.
This could sound discouraging and depressing. I think I passed that phase a year ago. It is now just relieving to have words for this intangible feeling I’ve had.
What I am starting to accept is that he may never change. He may never demonstrated and really be those things above towards me.
But…
He did go to one counseling sessions and has them scheduled weekly
He hasn’t drank alcohol this week that I’m aware of — 5 days. Waiting to see what happens on his weekend.
He says he hasn’t looked at porn for the last 3 months
He is being kind. No relationship rupture since before his Anchorage trip, two weeks ago
—- these are all very short timelines. Which is where my cautious hope comes in.
Dr cloud says we don’t need to have a crystal ball, we don’t need to force our self to trust someone based on promises. We sit back and observe from the bleachers, we watch and wait. Let them prove they have changed, let them demonstrate the five keys of trust. Let them set a new track record.
According to Cloud, this is what I’m waiting and watching for:
The Eleven Indicators of Change:
- admitting need
- welcoming transparency
- dropping defensiveness
- taking full responsibility
- demonstrating empathy
- showing consistency over time
- doing the hard work
- respecting boundaries
- exercising patience
- allowing external vetting
- showing true humility and repentance.
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