Needs

 How does one actually get all their needs met by God? 

This used to seem so simple. When I was a 20 yr old energetic excited young woman with such a hopefully view of the world. (That makes me sad to write that in the past tense. I want to be that again). Before such pain, disappointment and heart ache. Before I knew what it meant to have my needs met by a real physical man. What it felt like to have a sold secure mature grown man look into my eyes and see right through me, and … yeah all the rest.. I truly did follow the cry of the maidens in Song of Solomon and did “not stir up or awaken love until she pleases”. (Even though my husband did not — despite my years of prayers). 

But now… no I know what it feels like. And I know what the absence or lack feels like. I remember as a single girl I used to bed God for a husband. He told me he was my husband right now. I retorted in my longing, “But God it’s not the same as real physical man’s arms holding me!”

And now? Now I’m a married woman of almost 16 years (this Friday). And now I know what it feels like for my covenant spouse to “hold me” but be worlds away. Which is more lonely, I ask?? To be truly alone, or to be next to someone who claims they love you yet doesn’t sacrifice what they’re clinging to.  

We attended a country music concert last night by Ricochet  one of their songs says “Love is stronger than Pride”. Hmmm… I dunno guys,  I haven’t seen that. I’m pretty sure stubborn selfish pride wins.  self-preservation is a wicked powerful thing. 

I’ve come to recognize there are no statements or labels I can write to put a description on what it is that I need and want from my spouse to meet that emotional intimacy. If I did, and he heard and did it, it would still be checking boxes and it wouldn’t feel like deep nourishing connection. Because it can only come from deep internal painful work first, tearing away the layers, dying to flesh, coming to the end of himself. I’m listening to the AA 12 steps and it is SO profound. I hear my spouse in the words described so aptly. And what they describe as the work, is exactly why I haven’t felt that just changing the behavior isn’t enough. There’s so much depth and growth of humility, repentance, genuinely caring about others first, putting down your selfish pride and vain conceit. It’s really good. I just hope he actually does it. But, until he does, what about me? I still long for connection, joking, laughter, feeling the gaze and admiration of a man, seeing the twinkle in their eye when they look at you, mutual respect, good conversation, solace of pain, encouragement, feeling how someone else sees you as impressive and beautiful, having someone genuinely care about your thoughts and feelings, not for their own interests but just pure empathy.

And so I ask again, how… HOW does one get all their physical and emotional needs met by God?

I’m trying. But I keep messing up. It’s just so hard to not want more when you taste honey and you’re starving. 

Jesus, satisfy my soul.

Alone

 A different kind of lonely, surrounded by people, in a ‘commuted’ marriage for 16 years, yet feeling alone. 

Compared to actually being alone. Four day hunt trips, week long work conferences, overnight sea patrols. He’s gone. I have an odd combination of relief and loneliness at the same time. 

I do find it easier to overcome— or master the art of finding peace alone— when he’s gone though, than when he’s here but not emotionally connecting. When he’s here it’s a painful loneliness, with aromas of betrayal, neglect, abandonment. 

But physically alone is just that, potentially isolated. But more just by yourself. And that can be sad. But it also can be an opportunity. 

What I want to master is having the same peace in both settings. This is why I made the playlist “single soul” on my Spotify account. How do I live with a stable satisfied soul irregardless of the choices of my covenanted spouse. It’s not just about intentional phone calls or walks with girl friends, hobbies, or exercise. It’s a state of being, a way of thinking, a change in motive and expectation. Not settling, nor giving up— hopefully. But genuine acceptance of where I’m at. 

The pain still shows up. I may have days of doing this well only to realize with the kind eyes and empathy of a man that I had been stuffing it just beneath the surface to get through my day. It wakes back up what my soul is longing for. Tears come, that ache in my chest burns. But they will pass and I will live on. The longing will always be there. I receive what moments it gets a taste of intimacy, and am grateful. If it is realized fully someday with commitment, intimacy and __ combined I will rejoice. If not, I aim to still thrive. God help me. 

Me

 I turned in my resignation Monday. 

Heart ache. 11 years. Turning a page to the next chapter. 

This is me

40 years old. Mom of three. Wife of one man for 16 years. NP for 18 years. Business owner for 9 months. 

I feel like I’m coming more in to my body and soul than I have ever before in my entire life. No more pressure to be all and do all. No more shame of being weak or having tears. No more anxious fear of abandonment 

Settled inside of myself. Not reliant on any man or person to approve or pursue for me to feel worth it. 

Confident yet humbled. I didn’t realize I was judgmental as a 20 yr old. But I was untested. I hadn’t walked a mile in any shoes of suffering. Let alone 20 years. 

I know more pain is to come, I know everything up until this point is preparing me for what lies ahead. 

God I don’t wish such heartache and pain on anyone. But… it definitely has grown me. 

Another group conversation Tuesday with two couples that seems to transcend time: the husband said: without pain and darkness we would never fully grasp how good Gods goodness is. 

Maybe that’s the why

So in that vein. Thank you God, for the suffering.

Resolve

 

To have resolve —“possessing a strong, unwavering determination, firmness of purpose, or willpower to stick to a decision or goal, especially when facing difficulty, opposition, or temptation”

Conclusion to that last story— that baby duckling actually did end up dying after all. He suffered from splayed legs. I tried taping them as a YouTube video showed but he lost strength and died slowly and painfully after 2 days. Completely heart breaking. 

And thus— “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” ?? I think it depends. 

Last month I saw two women on the same day. Both had suffered atrocious abuse and betrayal from their spouse. Both had physical ailments as a result of the stress and relational manipulation. One is very bitter, resentful, and pessimistic on the world. Her demeanor is one of anticipating failure or disappointment. I literally have to tell myself  in the middle of the visit  “she’s not mad at me, just the situation”. 

The other is a ball of joy and light. Her big smile lights up the room and her mannerisms are exuberant and excited. Now don’t be fooled she will cry or shake if she is triggered or difficult discussions arise. But she is determined to calm and heal her soul, fight for herself and her kids, and come out on top. And I believe she will. 

So— does the fire ALWAYS yield fertile soil for beautiful flowers and tasty Merrell mushrooms? No. Not always. It depends on if the seed is dropped in that soil. 

The analogy might end there. Bc where does that seed come from?

Jesus? I mean, I’ve seen some very bitter Christian’s and some very joy filled non-believers. So I can’t say that either. 

I’m at an odd juxtaposition of: full acknowledgement of where I’m at (and the situation is at), letting go of the dream of what may never be, yet resolve

Resolve to not be crushed

Resolve to joy

Resolve to not let the hard moments, the loneliness, the betrayal, the soul abandonement to snuff out the light in my spirit

Resolve to stay me. To not get smaller. To keep my personality and my optimistic outlook. Albeit with  mature dose of reality. 

That’s the woman I want to be. The grandma that has suffered pain, loss, hardship but can still look you deep in the eyes and see you, acknowledge your experience as real and hard too, and still burst out laughing at a silly spill or ridiculous joke. That’s who I resolve to be