Needs

 How does one actually get all their needs met by God? 

This used to seem so simple. When I was a 20 yr old energetic excited young woman with such a hopefully view of the world. (That makes me sad to write that in the past tense. I want to be that again). Before such pain, disappointment and heart ache. Before I knew what it meant to have my needs met by a real physical man. What it felt like to have a sold secure mature grown man look into my eyes and see right through me, and … yeah all the rest.. I truly did follow the cry of the maidens in Song of Solomon and did “not stir up or awaken love until she pleases”. (Even though my husband did not — despite my years of prayers). 

But now… no I know what it feels like. And I know what the absence or lack feels like. I remember as a single girl I used to bed God for a husband. He told me he was my husband right now. I retorted in my longing, “But God it’s not the same as real physical man’s arms holding me!”

And now? Now I’m a married woman of almost 16 years (this Friday). And now I know what it feels like for my covenant spouse to “hold me” but be worlds away. Which is more lonely, I ask?? To be truly alone, or to be next to someone who claims they love you yet doesn’t sacrifice what they’re clinging to.  

We attended a country music concert last night by Ricochet  one of their songs says “Love is stronger than Pride”. Hmmm… I dunno guys,  I haven’t seen that. I’m pretty sure stubborn selfish pride wins.  self-preservation is a wicked powerful thing. 

I’ve come to recognize there are no statements or labels I can write to put a description on what it is that I need and want from my spouse to meet that emotional intimacy. If I did, and he heard and did it, it would still be checking boxes and it wouldn’t feel like deep nourishing connection. Because it can only come from deep internal painful work first, tearing away the layers, dying to flesh, coming to the end of himself. I’m listening to the AA 12 steps and it is SO profound. I hear my spouse in the words described so aptly. And what they describe as the work, is exactly why I haven’t felt that just changing the behavior isn’t enough. There’s so much depth and growth of humility, repentance, genuinely caring about others first, putting down your selfish pride and vain conceit. It’s really good. I just hope he actually does it. But, until he does, what about me? I still long for connection, joking, laughter, feeling the gaze and admiration of a man, seeing the twinkle in their eye when they look at you, mutual respect, good conversation, solace of pain, encouragement, feeling how someone else sees you as impressive and beautiful, having someone genuinely care about your thoughts and feelings, not for their own interests but just pure empathy.

And so I ask again, how… HOW does one get all their physical and emotional needs met by God?

I’m trying. But I keep messing up. It’s just so hard to not want more when you taste honey and you’re starving. 

Jesus, satisfy my soul.