Waiting

 Is it possible in life to be truly alive, fully free, having stellar self-worth and value, having all your needs met so you can give out to the world your best self --- when the people most dearly loved and close to you continually reject you, or leave you.

I have patient's who have patient's who have an abusive spouse, who lost their only child, who's own mother disowns them, who's spouse treats them like a roommate for 30 years of marriage... can they too become fully actualized? do you need the love of others to feel completely and utterly lovable and desirable? Or can you get this yourself, from yourself or from God. Can you really truly ever be there when they reject you one more time, when you live with them and they don't see, know, your hear your soul, your heart, your spirit?

Are these people going to be waiting around for the rest of their life for their loved ones to wake up, to work on their sh*& and deal with their past and learn how to have reflective listening, pursue their spouse, have compassion on another person's suffering without feeling triggered into fear, or just love deeply and vulnerably?

I would like to think so. But i'm really not so sure. 

Birthday

You know that ray of sunshine when all seems *good* in life, for just. one. moment. When you're kids are laughing and learning to work together to decorate a home-made Minecraft cake, when you're able to laugh about the lopsided mess instead of nag at them for being normal, sticky, sloppy kids. When the loud boundary-less 2nd grade friends arrive and you feel a solidarity of the matriarch of this home that it's taken you so long to grow into. 

When you choose the loyal action even when it's shakingly hard.

When he arrives home and you start to feel that familiar tense knot grow again - is he upset that they were playing in his shop.... he thinks this party is going too long... he thinks I caused unnecessary work for myself... he probably dislikes the gluten-free pizza and carrot cake that my son chose and made and won't react to...he hates these birthday streamers in his way.... 

BUT

This time you breathe, you release, you let go of someone in their own mess, their own hinderances to freedom and joy. You embrace the truth that his peace and joy is not your fault or your responsibility. You are a separate person. 

Not sure how two become one  equals two individual whole healthy people in a non-co-dependent marital covenant works together. But somehow, it must. 

Disney

 It's just so much harder than I thought: mothering, wife-ing, running a home, working part-time investigating researching and treatment women to help them feel alive and their best, all while suffering from chronic issues that all my education and experience cannot fix, that God has not fixed, and that doctors want to slap prescriptions on. 

There's another in the Fire.... There's a grace when our heart is under fire. 

I know, it just doesn't feel like it most days. 

Their arguing, whining, fighting, anger directed at me, their mother, their birth origin. It's amazing how a human can come out of your body and then turn around and lash out at the very one who gave it life. I did not know how much that would hurt, even when their little 5 yr old ballet-slipper stomping feet are cute- the anger still mounts a loss, a defense, a feeling of failure - even though you know they a fickle and childish. The angry eyes still hurt. Why does it hurt so much?!? 

I remember the firs time I felt God let me down. Something I had prayed for my entire life, something I had kept sincere and unwavering. When that life long prayer was found to have fallen on deaf ears - or even ears that knew what was better for me, but still not given the answer I asked for for years - the pain, oh the pain. I think that was the moment that a wedge was initiated between me and God. Then with each loss, each unanswered prayer, each silent heaven, the hammer blow hit harder and the wedge grew deeper. 

Two whole people becoming one should equal a unified tri-une marriage. Eating right and exercising should result in a healthy body, a healthy birth. But no, that's not how the world works. And so I teach my kids, 'Life's not fair'. I don't want them to grow with the disillusionment that I had. 

She says, "on this side of heaven we will have unfulfilled needs and desires." 

I disagree. The kingdom of heaven is at hand, it's in you, it's come to earth. I believe we CAN feel completely whole, that our desire for deep connection, encompassing love, feeling that everything you've dedicated your life to HAS a purpose. I don't even know how I can still believe this, but I do. And thus lies the tension, the yearning, the seeking.

Every Disney movie has a young girl longing for something more, outside the small town, beyond the shoreline, outside the castle walls. I feel like that girl, I always have. But somehow I thought I'd find that answer in marriage. I didn't even long for kids- just the man. The one who would envelope me with an equal search for me - followed by an adventure of a lifetime, that was life itself. But always together, facing the world. When attacked or failed, together we would draw closer. The painful times would bring us more intimate, not apart. 

Where did I go wrong? 

Sugar

 Am I the only parent who despises the kid-centric community holiday hype? I literally hate it. All it is is a chance for more whining, arguing, complaining and fighting. They whine when it’s time to leave. It’s a fight about all the dance SUGAR our country thinks kids need in order to have fun. And if I limit them because I care about their future potential diabetes, I’M the bad mom. It’s one more repeat of plastering a forced smile on my face when they say, “Mom, look at me!” in the bouncy house. It’s the work of cleaning up, the work of making them presentable, the work of getting them out of the house. It’s just all work. Why do I hate this so much? And why does it just feel like SO MUCH WORK. 

Pain

 When a person experiences pain on a daily basis it shapes both their view of the world and of themselves. It’s not necessarily predictable which shape they may take and it may vacillate even within the hour. Bitterness is one that comes from anger that everyone else gets the easy road without even trying. Humility is another more delicate shape from an acute awareness of their weaknesses. Vengeful determination can form out of an intense albeit brief offensive attack at the cause of the pain. But when that brigade once again fails they are consumed by defeat and dismay. 

and tired. So ... so... so tired. Physically, mentally, and spiritually tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of searching for answers. Tired of hoping. Tired a trying yet one more promising solution. 

Compassion and empathy are the shapes that can truly be beautiful. Lemonade, all things working for good, silver linings — call it what you may it, it doesn’t erase the past pain or cushion the next onslaught, but it is the only beautiful thing that I can see emerging that makes them loved by fellow sufferers who at least don’t have to be alone and in pain. Because we all know that being in pain is hard enough, but being in pain and alone simultaneously adds way more than insult upon injury. 

May you have empathy and be un-alone. 

On The Edge

Waiting. Unknown. Trepidation. Trust. Acceptance.
This is a strange place to be, when something could happen any day, yet each day it doesn't. When you really wonder how much longer you can go on, yet you know somehow you will. Anticipating a joy so beautiful accompanied by fear of the worst pain a soul one can know. Hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst. Either way within a week my life will be different.

Patience. Peace. Forty-one weeks.

Inconclusive

I went to an abdominal ultrasound today for a “palpable mass” that a family doctor was actually able to feel. But the ultrasound was inconclusive. Ultrasonography can’t see past or into the intestines. So if it’s something of that nature it will require a CT scan or MRI, which will have to be after the baby is born- due March 26^th.

You know what’s awful? I actually wish they would have found a tumor. Because then there would be a defined cause, and an explanation, and a course of action. Instead of everyone just thinking I’m psychosomatic, or weak and complaining, self-centered and spoiled. I would actually rather have cancer than have this.

I want to be cured. I want to be the former self again. I want to be happy and healthy, energetic and vibrant. I want to enjoy my 2 year old and my pregnancy. I want to enjoy cooking for my husband, enjoy food, and exercise with enthusiasm. Instead of walking around like a bloated, nauseous, shell of fatigue. And inevitably depression follows. As bad as it is, my heart hurts worse than the symptoms. I’d rather have pain than this.

God, I still know you can cure me. I still believe you want to. But I don’t understand why. Bill Johnson says you must have continual mystery in your life to challenge your faith. Well I sure do.

Please help.