It is for freedom!!! That Christ has set us free.......**!*!*!*!*!*

I have the best friend in the world. Right at the worst moment, she drove up. I actually was no happy to see her, because at that moment I cried, "GOD! I can't do this! I'm so tired...!" I hadn't gotten dressed that morning, or cleaned my floor, or made the bed or brushed my teeth. I felt miserable. Woke up exhausted, irritated, with sharp back pain every time I bent down to pick up my 25lb adorable toddler. My first confession to her was, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!!" and then the tears just broke. "That's why I've been spending all this money on supplements and listening to all these health podcasts and eating such a ridiculously limited diet, cuz I just want to feel good again!!!" Hot tears streamed down my face. No my head was pounding from the anger and grief.

She sat with me, made me do nothing but talk. Everything she spoke from the Spirit is so true. A spirit of oppression has been hovering over me for the past 2-3 years, demanding things of me that I cannot achieve. I have been requiring myself to strive to such a standard that is impossible. I hear the words of my husband and his family and the cultural supposed "norm" and I have beat myself to be the best, make it all happen, have the organized and clean home, be the perfect wife, please my husband, make his family proud, and somehow strive to avoid tears and fights with my son.

It's ok to have a bad day. It's ok to have a dirty floor, or for my son to be mad, or my husband's dinner not ready when he gets home. It's ok if my husband is upset with me--imagine that!!

I have been secure in myself for so long. God is stripping that away, so that I will find my security only in HIM.

I WILL NOT WORRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
I will not worry about money, or food, or cleanliness, or my son's appearance, my husband's happiness, my sleep or my circles under my eyes, I will not worry about my health or my vitality or my purpose. I will not worry about missing out on life. I will not worry about my goat getting milked or my cheese turning out. I will not worry about my work or pleasing every person. I will not WORRY but I will BE.

I am loved.

I am accepted.

I am perfect in Christ.

I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I am a good employee, a good friend, a loved daughter in law.

I am at rest.

So I casted that spirit of oppression away and out of my life my soul my home and its assignment over me, by the precious sacrificed blood of Jesus Christ--- He DIED THAT I COULD BE FREE.

Thank you Lord, for good friends. Thank you for freedom. Holy Spirit, help me walk it out. The next time my husband or someone else says something condemning--help me access the love and acceptance and rest I have inside of my spirit through Your presence. And help me know how to respond out of knowing and being Beloved by You.

I am your daughter. And I am free.   :)

Selfish or Self Care?

Where is the balance between serving and loving my husband, considering him "as better then myself" (Phil 2:3) and caring for my own needs out of a rightstanding self worth? I've heard "you must take care of yourself in order to take care of others." I definitely learned that on the mission field. But last night, for the first time I said no to my husband's suggestion for a fun event that would end as a late night. Before, I would give in every time because I love spending time with him so much. Many women crave for their husbands to suggest a fun idea. But afterwards I always suffered and degraded my own choice. One of my goals for internal rest and joy is to live in such a way that I do not regret my own actions. One of those repeatedly has been not going to bed earlier. So, how do I balance this pulling of desires? Fun leisure with my husband, or adequate sleep leaving me happier, healthier, and even prettier?

Perhaps we can find a way to meet in the middle.

Spirit, lead me even in this.

My prayer is that my husband would support and encourage me to get the sleep I need.
And that I would sleep easily, well, and be energetic for the day!

Attack!

Do you ever feel like you are just irritated at everything? Someone could touch you and you just might blow up. You're even irritated at yourself for being irritated. Everything seems to be going wrong. Everyone is just making more work. You're late. You have a headache. You have to clean up after everyone. No one cares about you. You're tired and depressed or mad. You feel like either breaking down in a sobbing crumpled mess or punching something. And no, it's not PMS season, can't blame it on that. In fact, you feel like you're being attacked from the inside...

I think you are.


I had a morning like that. Erggh... it still irritates me, that I was that irritated. What's my problem? I even set out to start off the day great. Got up early to get a shower, have Jesus time, and prepare for the day while my two men slept. Ideal world. However, buddy boy woke up at a pin drop, way to early, so he was cranky. And I started off with a headache. Forget the shower alone, but he played and bathed and I did get him back to sleep. So back to plan, right? wrong. Then the physical ailments.... feeling SO fatigued, no energy, nausea from something I ate (pregnancy test negative), headache worsening, irritable out the wazoo, my only thoughts are negative complaints and self pity. making me wallow in a spiral of fleshly sin..... I feel like I'm being killed from the inside.

And the truth is, I think I am.

When I was young and single I had purpose. I had passion. I had giddy joy! I was "fun to be with"! Then came all the pressures and responsibilities of a marriage relationship, employment, bills, finances, another persons ideals and values and goals, a little one who NEEDS you impressively, and something happened to my joy. Somewhere along the lines it started suffocating. Somehow, this woman began to lose her personhood, the very traits that made me Me.

The fact is, we must have a Vision, a Mission, and a purpose outside of ourselves. Greater than the four walls of our house, home and family life. More than cooking and cleaning, and making two men happy. Beyond being liked by all and despised by none. Because you try at that and you're destined to fail in an inferiority misery. I've been there.

My husband is studying business. An epiphany hit me as I read his textbook aloud while we drove the hour to church this morning:  The CEO makes the decisions and directs the subordinate managers as to their actions. He takes their reports in account, but he is not swayed by their frantic opinions. Because he sees the larger picture, the vision.

My Spirit should be the CEO of my organism. My Spirit should determine the attitude, actions, and direction of her subordinates, my Body and my Soul. So... my body's reports of nausea, headache, fatigue, bloating.... should not determine my action of speaking complaint and tossing the earphones to my husband instead of handing them. My hormonal mood of discouragement from my Soul should not direct my Spirit to lose her Value and Purpose. My Spirit takes all these into account honorably, but she then should make her decision based on a higher vision. A noble calling that sees beyond this minute of frustration.

That all sounds well and good as words on a page. But what happens when tomorrow morning it all starts to repeat itself?

That's when we CRY OUT for His help. He died so I don't have to live in the Old Covenant of fear, stress, illness, and anger. He didn't just forgive me once and then let me alone. He has CONTINUAL DAILY grace for my failures and shortcomings. And.... I should have daily grace for me.  Forgive myself for losing my temper at my 1 yr old for kicking me one more time while I'm trying to change his diaper. And RECEIVE His enabling grace to move on. Because I am worth more than rubies. I have foundations of Sapphire.

Can I see?

Open my eyes...

When did this get SO HARD?!?!

Being a wife and mother sometimes is just plain hard. People don't always tell you that when you're a young gleeful single woman with a dream in her heart and success in her hands. You feel like marriage and a family will answer all of your problems, fulfill all your unmet longings, and give you a whole new passion for life that you've been missing. There might be one kindly genuine person who attempts to hand off a padded comment about, "oh, we have our rough times. But we've worked through them." You brush it off, "I won't have that. Nope, me and my husband are going to be head over heels in love every day until the moment we die, achieving maybe 60 years of glorious matrimony!" Of course there's the divorced individuals. But you have talked with them, and it seems pretty obvious what they did wrong: Married someone they thought they could change; married too young, or too old; were unhealed emotionally at the time of joining their union; had an abusive spouse; claims they fell out of love; had an unloving, uncaring spouse; or their spouse just randomly changed and told them they were done and gone. None of those would apply to you.

And then one day it happens. You realize you've been married for 3 years and gradually things have built up, tears and hurt have occurred numerous times. The pain you've felt in your heart you never knew you could when you're supposed to be so close to the person you love. But that's just the thing, you LOVE him so much! That's why it hurts so much. Why can't he understand? Does he not see?? What happened to all of the fun things we used to do together? What happened to the giddy joy and love of just being together? When did work and money and advancing in the world become so important? Why can't we see eye to eye on parenting, and budgets, and the need for sleep, and activities on leisure, and food, and household upkeep?? And worse of all, why does this hurt so much? Is it me? Am I wrong that all of these things bother me so much? Should I just let them go, brush them aside, and "don't sweat the small stuff"? Why do I feel so unloved, I feel that everything is an insult to my character. That whatever he does say or doesn't say is a disappointment in who I am, in my skills, my ability, my beauty. Am I the one with the inner soul wound that causes me to interpret each look and word and silence as an attack or simply as a lack of love? Or is it him, does he need to have an epiphany of how much he's hurting me without realizing it, of how much I do for him and how little sometimes he does back. When did this get so HARD??!!
t

That's on the bad days. On the good days, things are great, you take smiling pictures and everyone beams and says you're such a wonderful family. The young girls all want to be like you. The say you two make them actually want to get married, and even consider children. You both say sorry and forgive and promise to do better. Maybe you even schedule an event, a marriage conference, or a family outing. Everything seems promising again. But will it last?? Was there really a change? What does not kill us makes us stronger, they say. Did we actually get to the root of it? Or is there a root, maybe it's just a daily pursuit. A daily surrender and dying. Forgiving for the seventy times seventh time. Maybe.

I will continue to learn, seek, and grow.

To come, what I am learning I is all part of staying alive and passionate, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, and as a princess of the King.